just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
