i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
