I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
