mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
