It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
