I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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