Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
