Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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