he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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