chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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