saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
