thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
