if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
