Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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