if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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