You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize