I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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