saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
