Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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