I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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