last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
