Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I have already put on my inside pants.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
