There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
