She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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