You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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