Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize