I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
