There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
