sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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