People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize