Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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