Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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