I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
