i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
