I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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