He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
