I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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