im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
