if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize