It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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