so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
