The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you guys were way drunker than both of me
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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