Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize