Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
