i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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