my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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