Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
