my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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