i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
