just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
