You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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