Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
