I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
