mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
