two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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