Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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