My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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