Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
